


Invisible at the Top of the World

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-14
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:06:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3501212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These were 3 separate fics that I wrote as a series, so I turned them into chapters here.  POV changes by chapter, were all inspired by Fatherklok.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Invisible at the Top of the World

**Author's Note:**

> Toki’s POV, somewhat dark, non-slash  
> Tilgi meg for jeg vet ikke hva jeg gjør

_The invisible, the shadow, the nothing that stands_   
_Mind for the darkness, the grip of your hand_

 

If I moved back to Norway, they wouldn’t come after me, this I’m certain of. I’m _in_ the band, but I’m not part of it, not like the others. I know I never will be.  
It’s fine as long as we all keep pretending we don’t care, but that’s been slipping. Losing our manager for all those months changed us.  
I thought it might be for the better, but I reconsider now.

I’m invisible to them, always have been, they see me but they don’t really see me at all. When I joined Thunderhorse it was different, I was a real part of the band. Now I know what that feels like, what I’ve been missing.  
But they took it away, like they take everything from me.  
And I let them.  
They don’t know what it’s like in here, in my mind. And they don’t care.  
I just want to be a real part of it all, of anything, but I’ve never been good enough for anyone.

To my parents, I was always a failure. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be enough for them. After a while I gave up, I only tried hard enough to not be beaten. There was no point in trying for more than that.  
Dethklok was supposed to be my place, but nothing ever changes. I’ve heard them talking about how I do nothing, and why do they even keep me around?  
I don’t have an answer for that.  
Any day at any time, I could lose it all, it could be over.

They did go with me when my dad died, but I know their real reasons. They knew that they’d be stuck in the studio if they didn’t, it had nothing at all to do with me.  
Even there I failed again. Even though I hated him more than I loved him, I tried, I tried so hard.  
And I fucked it up, I killed him.   
It haunts me still.  
Did any of them try to comfort me? No, of course that didn’t.  
They don’t even fucking see me.

Now Skwisgaar’s decided he’s upset, and suddenly everybody cares. That’s so fucked up. He doesn’t have a dad, so what? It’s not like he lost him or anything, he never had one at all. And he’s got a zillion fucking kids he doesn’t care about.   
So what if he doesn’t have a dad? _None_ of them do, and whose fault is that? Instead of wasting time feeling sorry for himself, he could spare even just one of those kids what he’s going through, but he won’t.  
He’s such a fucking hypocrite.

And Murderface, what the hell is up with him? Pretending to be Skwisgaar’s father, and even weirder, Skwisgaar _letting_ him.  
Pickles is upset too, but it’s different, he’s jealous. Pickles just wants the father figure he never had, the attention he was deprived of. He’ll never get that, you’d think he would have learned by now.  
I know it’s often better when they _don’t_ pay attention to you, when they leave you in peace.  
Because you’ll never be good enough. Pickles won’t either, not to his dad.  
At least he still has one.

But the _caring_ , that’s the part I hate. He’s probably faking it, but Murderface showing all that caring makes me sick.   
I used to care. I still do, I just can’t let it show anymore, that never ends well for me. It’s gotten easier, and eventually I just won’t care at all anymore, about anything.  
But I haven’t gotten that far yet.  
It’s getting so much closer, but still not there.  
After all these years, things still cut deep. But I can hide it now.

Then Skwisgaar quit, he left.   
Well this was my chance to step out and make them notice me, to finally show them what I can really do, what they never let me do.  
Fucking Nathan, telling me I’m doing it wrong, that I’m not good enough for him.  
Just like everyone else, ever.  
He said we’re his family, then he slapped us. Yeah, _just_ like family.  
No thanks Nathan, I’ve had enough of that kind of family in my life already. I don’t need your misguided attempts to father me.

Stupid Pickles, he would take the abuse just for the attention, he was _asking_ for it.  
It’s pointless, it never make them like you any better.  
Nathan says we all have to go get Skwisgaar back, so of course we will. I know it’s because I’m not good enough for him, for them.  
If only they would just let me show them, but they never do.  
Stop it Toki, stop trying, you’ll never be good enough. And they’re right.  
They won’t even let me try and fail, they just don’t let me try.

Fuck you Skwisgaar, how can you just walk away from us? _You’re_ the one they care about.  
This was my one chance to prove myself, but even when you’re gone you hold me back. They don’t care if I can play it all, they only want you.  
I don’t even bother to protest, it’s nothing but what I’d expected.  
So we’ll go get you, and you’ll come back with us because that’s just how my life goes.  
You’re the star, I’m just... I don’t even know.  
I understand how Pickles feels, to always be second, no matter what happens.

After all these years, why does it even still bother me?  
Am I just an idiot for not giving up? I know damn well I’ll never really belong with all of you.  
Every time I try, no matter what I do, another mark of failure.   
Nathan brings you back, as I always knew he would.  
We head for home, I stand once again in your shadow.  
Life goes on.  
There is nowhere to go but forward, and the dark always follows behind.


	2. The View from the Other Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Skwisgaar’s POV, and this time it _is_ a little slashy.  
>  Förlåt mig för jag vet inte vad jag gör

Halfway around the world, and all the way back home.  
I was foolish to think I could go back there and fit in, that was never my true home in the first place.  
My mother is the same slut she always has been, and it’s not only me she doesn’t care about. The things I have seen, the things I wish I could unsee...  
Back in our sky castle, we look down on the mortals like the gods some say we are.  
The mortals below us.

Things have been changing for a long time.  
Toki used to look up to me, follow me around, always getting in my way. It was annoying, but flattering.  
He doesn’t do that anymore. He’s been ignoring me, he’s changed a lot.   
I don’t know why.   
_I_ haven’t changed, have I? I don’t think I have anyway. Yeah, I don’t criticize him anymore, but there’s reasons for that, good reasons.

He really is playing better, he must actually be practicing sometimes. Even if he’s not, he’s still improved. There just isn’t as much to criticize, even if I felt like being as critical as I used to be.  
But far more important, he _scares_ me now.  
I can see the rage in him, just under the smiling surface. It’s always there these days, and I don’t even know why, or what might set him off. I’m not a fighter, he’d kill me if he snaps.  
Unless I really am a god? But then, what if he’s one too?   
I’m so confused.

It’s like he doesn’t even care about me anymore.  
Am I the weak one because I _finally_ showed some emotion? I know I usually don’t, usually keep my expressions neutral. It’s a habit.  
He used to be so open, now he holds it all in. I don’t understand him at all anymore.  
What is it that he’s denying so very hard, something inside himself, or me?  
I wish I could know his reasons, know if it’s somehow my fault, something I said or did.  
Or maybe he truly just doesn’t care anymore.

I just wanted to know who my father was, why is that so bad? But I failed.  
Whoever he was, if he was mortal he’s probably dead now or we would have found him.  
And if he wasn’t, I won’t meet him in this life anyway, so I might as well just give up. Go back to doing what I’ve done for years, playing my guitar and fucking everyone I can.  
And be Toki’s idol? Can I ever possibly regain that?  
From where we stand now, I don’t think so.

There was a time when I considered him as more than a band mate, considered inviting him into my bed.  
Would he have come? I don’t know, but I think he would have at least though about it.  
What might have happened then, where could it have gone?  
There’s no point thinking about might have been. The way things are now, he seems to have only scorn for me.  
I think he would have been happy if I had never come back.

All these thoughts of being a god... it’s messing me up.  
What is Dethklok really, what are _we_ when we’re together? I felt like a normal person when I was alone in Sweden. I think I _was_ a normal person, became one.  
Then they came for me, and everything changed.   
Is it all of them, or is it just Toki who reacts with something in me, something I don’t understand?  
 _I don’t know._

 _If_ I am a god, _if_ I am a god of life, then he is my other side, he is death.  
If this is true, then one of us cannot exist without the other, we hang in a balance of chaos.  
Or maybe when we are apart, if we are broken, do we become just regular men?  
And I was _happy_.  
I was happy to be regular, was happy without his dark side there to bring me down.  
But still I missed him, or at least missed who he used to be.  
Missed all of them.

So now we’re all back together again, but it’s not the same.  
I really don’t know what happened between Pickles and Murderface, but it clearly wasn’t good. Toki wasn’t really in it, he was just doing it for the hell of it, I could tell.  
Unless I’m wrong, but I don’t think that I am. I’ve seen what he can do if he lets himself go, I really wish I could forget.  
Another reason I feared ever bringing him to my bed, why I never asked.  
What might he have done to me?

Are we all gods, could we possibly be? Maybe Nathan, he’s different too now, there’s a power in him. He’s taken charge of us, in a way he never has before. It’s like he’s holding us all together.  
It feels like what happened to me out in those woods was a dream, but it was real, I know it was real.  
My attempt at a different life, _that_ was the dream. Of course it could never last.  
Lightning and wolves and snow-  
Just what the fuck _am_ I?


	3. Thin Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan’s POV, he considering the relationship between his guitarists.

They don’t know that I saw them.  
I’m not sure when it started, sometime after Charles went away I guess. We all... we got closer or something. Not that _I’m_ fucking dudes, but they must have needed something more.  
I don’t really understand it though.

It wasn’t their first time either, I’m damn sure of that.  
I didn’t mean to see them, if I’d known what was going on behind that door before I opened it...  
I thought they were fighting, I assumed they were finally killing each other.  
They weren’t.

They didn’t see me, they never looked up.  
I stood there too long, it just took a while for what I was seeing to register. It’s not every day you walk in on your guitarists having sex.  
Well, they looked like they were enjoying it at least. I left quietly.

I was worried about the band, what would happen. What if they got like Rebecca? That would have really sucked. But I decided not to say anything, to wait and see.  
And things were _better_. They weren’t even fighting anymore, it was weird.  
How long have they been doing this? And how did I not see the changes?

I started watching Toki, I worry how he’s taking all this.  
I know Skwisgaar’s still fucking just as many women, how long will Toki tolerate that? I may still have to keep them from killing each other yet.  
And Toki’s been getting more... loose, I guess. He’s not keeping as tight a rein on himself. Is this good or bad?

And then it changes, they seem to be drifting apart.  
That’s _good_ , I mean I don’t really want gay guitarists. Not that I’d kick them out for it or anything, they’re irreplaceable.   
I think they’re still fucking, but they seem to be avoiding each other the rest of the time.  
Should I say something? I really suck at this.

Toki’s worrying me, he seems way too happy about Skwisgaar’s personal problems.  
Does he really want him gone, or does he merely hope to trade places with him, trade rankings? That’s not gonna happen.  
He’s pretty convincing, but I don’t think he’s really that cold.  
He probably wishes he was though.

Then Skwisgaar left.   
He didn’t even give us a chance to try to stop him, he just walked out.  
We must have all sat at that table until he was already away from the Haus, we were all just too shocked to even get up.  
Could we even go on without him?

We did try to, we did practice.  
That was a disaster. Murderface was ignoring me, Pickles has been acting really weird lately, and Toki just went way over the top. Seriously, what the hell was he doing, this is not the 80's. That shit really looked kinda gay.  
Well, I guess he _is_ kinda gay.

I shouldn’t have hit him though, I forgot about his past.  
Oh well, I can’t take it back, but it was a mistake. They were all falling apart on me, I was trying and I just couldn’t hold them together however I could. I really suck at this.  
It takes all of us, this band, we had to go get Skwisgaar back or it would be over forever.  
I’m not ready to retire yet.

We found Skwisgaar sitting in that bar like he belonged, like he was trying to belong.  
He made his speech, so I made mine. I know he understood me, no matter how hard we try to be normal jackoffs, we’re not. We can’t be, not anymore.  
Whatever is happening to us has already gone too far.

We waited at the copter, I knew he’d be there, it’s no longer any choice for us.  
I don’t know exactly what happened to him after we left him, but I can make a few guesses, I saw the lightning.  
I’ve felt it for a while, but I’m not sure the others know yet. But now Skwisgaar knows too.  
And indeed, he stated that he is a god.

I’m not sure if they heard him, I was the only one outside.  
Then Pickles and Murderface got in that fight, and Toki seemed focused on them.   
On the ride home they ignored each other. I know Skwisgaar’s thinking about what happened, and Toki’s probably just mad.  
If they don’t get over it, I might _have_ to say something.

Three days later, nothing has changed, I feel I have no choice now.  
I decide to talk to Skwisgaar first, he’s less likely to get upset. Then we’ll figure out how to handle Toki.  
Might as well get it over with, this isn’t going to be easy, so I go to his room. You’d think I’d have learned by now not to just walk I, but I forgot.  
And he wasn’t alone.

I stand there like an idiot, again.  
The sheet shifts as they move, yeah they were covered this time, and I see that it’s Toki in there with him.   
Oh, so maybe they’ve worked this whole thing out, maybe it’s okay now? I quietly close the door.  
I think I’ll just leave them alone, they’ll be okay.   
Won’t they?


End file.
